The Decision Has Already Been Made
Knowing our ‘why’ was one of, if not THE most critical aspect of our parenting foundation. Because knowing why you do something helps clarify other aspects of our lives.
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Your children are always watching you…especially when you think they aren’t. The most powerful thing you can do is lead by your example.
Jaime Buckley
Introduction
When I started this series with ‘Discovering our Parenting WHY’, I mentioned that knowing our ‘why’ was one of, if not THE most critical aspect of our parenting foundation.
Because knowing why you do something helps clarify other aspects of our lives.
It empowers us in so many ways—the most helpful, in my opinion, being that when you are faced with a hard choice, the decision has already been made. You don’t have to weigh and consider your options in most instances, because the very principles you live by will provide the answer for you.
Who’s Side Are You On, Dad?
There was a time when most of our older children had hit their teen years, and we found ourselves nestled in a neighborhood, surrounded by families I was not impressed with. It’s my nature to take a step back and let people prove to me who they are by what they do. Better to think the best of others until they prove you wrong— it makes for a more enjoyable life.
That being said, we didn’t have good neighbors.
Children ran about, having no regard for others, while parents looked the other way, ignoring irresponsible behaviors with, “Kids will be kids,” attitudes. Sure, kids will be kids, unless you teach them to be something else. I digress.
When ‘kids will be kids’, someone is likely to get hurt. Now, which parent gets mad in those situations depends on who gets hurt.
…and it wasn’t one of mine.
My neighbor came to my front yard, screaming like a banshee. The man insisted on punishing my son for the ‘brutality’ shown towards his son (who was a head taller, two years older, and at least 50 lbs heaver than my child). He wagged his finger at us, while coddling his boy, which didn’t surprise me. The accusations rolled off his tongue faster than a politicians promises before an election.
For a parent who didn’t witness the supposed offense first hand, he was absolutely certain about every ‘fact’, including my child’s intent.
Riiiiiight.
So it came as a shock to my son when I turned to him and said, “I’d like you to apologize for your part in this.” My boy looked at me like I’d slapped him across the face.
“Who’s side are you on, dad?”
The WHY
Years before my son had been born, I’d pondered what kind of father I wanted to be. What type of example I wanted to set for my sons and daughters. It was important for me to be the kind of man that they could look up to, and that when they did, they would learn through my example why they should do the same. Part of that was striving to be a person who lived by principle, not being swayed by personalities.
Regardless of who the people were…including my children.
The most important thing I wanted my children to see, was that I was an honest father. That if they were striving to do the right thing for the right reasons, I’d always have their back. It was important for my son to apologize, not because he was wrong, but because it was a peacemaking gesture, regardless of who was at fault in this instance.
It was an offering, to soothe the situation, so we could get to the truth.
Have to say I was impressed with the tone my son used as he apologized to the neighbors. Even more impressed that he exerted his trust in me. Because it paid off.
Turns out the reason my son had ‘pushed’ the neighbor kid was because the neighbor had ‘pushed’ my daughter, who was half his age and size. She was inside, being attended to by my wife, and I had not yet connected the two until my son had spoken up.
Now, the last thing I want to do is give you the impression that I’m always the calm and collected type. Because I’m not. I just want all the facts before I let the meaner version of myself out of the closet. That side of me gets to deal with those who won’t communicate through reason.
Since I had already made the decision to defend my children from threats, I then explained to my neighbor (while staring solely at his son the whole time), that if his boy every laid a finger on my daughter (or any of my children) again, my son would have my permission to ‘push’ back as needed.
When I looked up to meet the mans eyes, his anger had turned to confusion.
“It’s sad that you allow your son to harm little girls,” I said softly. “And defending that kind of behavior in your child makes me wonder what kind of a person you really are.”
We never had another problem with the neighbors.
The HOW
This all comes back to looking into your WHY. Taking the time to decide ahead of time, what kind of person you are choosing to be.
Before the trials.
Before the challenges.
Before all the variables hit you in the face.
Because they will.
Not everything will be solved this way — but you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how many situations will fall from your shoulders — because you just don’t have to think about it.
The decision has already been made.
Conclusion
This is all about choice.
It always is.
Choose to be a certain kind of parent.
Choose to act a certain way, in certain circumstances.
Choose to think through what you feel will be the most challenging aspects of parenting, and choose how you will address the situation ahead of time.
Choose to be the very best parent you know how to be.
Then choose to improve upon that as you gain more knowledge and experience.
Choose the become more than you think you are!
What To Do Next
Now that you know it’s both possible and wise to make decisions ahead of time, here’s what you might consider:
Think about situations you may be forced to deal with as a parent. Things that make you uncomfortable, scare you, or things that you might not have a great deal of control over.
Then think through the scenarios in your mind and decide ahead of time how you will deal with the situation with the focus on the best win-win outcome.
How will you speak?
How will you carry yourself?
How will you respond if others are angry or unkind?
Once you have chosen, let it all go — the decisions have already been made.
You’ve got this!
QUESTION: What changes have to chosen to make in your parenting style?
NEXT TIME: Maintaining Consistency
kidCLANS subscriptions are 100% free, including our archives. This is made possible by generous individuals purchasing paid memberships for $5/mo. If you enjoy this material, consider telling someone you know about kidCLANS.
We rely on word-of-mouth to grow. Use the share button below to spread the word. =)
If you prefer to give a one-time donation, consider buying us coffee through our ko-fi page. Thank you!