Maintaining Consistency

They can be mad at me, they can disagree with me, but my children can, for the most part, tell you how I will react or act in almost any given situation. Because I am consistent.

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Magic happens in a relationship between child and parent, when the child knows they can count on you in any given situation to be fair and just.

Jaime Buckley

Introduction

If there’s one thing I could guarantee will bring about your downfall as a parent, it’s a lack of consistency.

Children, and young children in particular, must have consistency if they are to learn and thrive under your direction. What’s worse, is that if you lack consistency, your child will develop the opinion that you are a liar.

Because you are.

Harsh, I know…but think about this.

You see your child behaving in a way they shouldn’t and you give them a warning. They don’t stop, so you warn them again. They don’t stop — so you tell them you will punish them for the bad behavior (let’s say a spanking).

Thing is, you don’t actually want to spank them — but it sounds scary or firm enough to get them to comply to your wishes. 

The problem with this is you had no intention to follow through, so the next time they behave, all you do is issue out the same threat. You simply put more feeling and intensity in your voice.

You’ve already lost, because you lied about the punishment and didn’t follow through. Why would your child believe you now? Because now you mean it?

Riiiiight.

Please Don’t Make Me Spank You

Ruby is my youngest of the 13. She’s intelligent, she’s funny, and for a two year old, she has the will of a titan. The other thing is…she’s a screamer.

I mean the banshee from hell, the world’s gonna end kind of screamer, especially when she’s mad. The whole house knows when this girl has been offended for any reason.

The GOOD news is that she and I have a strong connection. We have since she was born. So when I am compelled to punish her, it’s more about the emotional tie than any pain or discomfort. She’s saddened knowing that I’m disappointed in her—something she shares with her oldest brother Evan. 

There are times when Ruby is so angry or distraught that she gets beyond her mothers ability to deal with her…and daddy gets involved. I’ll call her to me.

“Ruby, what’s wrong?” I’ll ask.

“Roman took my doll.”

“And you screamed,” I’ll add, to let her know I noticed.

Often she’ll nod sadly and say nothing, but sometimes she’ll deny it — so I let her know that I heard her. “What did daddy tell you to use?”

“My words.”

“That’s right,” I’ll smile, adding a soft pat on the shoulder or brushing the hair from her face to help eye contact. “You remembered! Good job. So I want you to use those words.”

“But I’m mad,” she replies, “Because it was my doll.”

“I can tell. But when you get mad at someone, daddy wants you to get help, huh.”

“Huh,” she will repeat, nodding.

“Ruby, daddy doesn’t want you to scream like that. I want you to use your words. So if you scream again, daddy is going to spank your bottom.”

That’s when tears will start to flow. “But I don’t want spanked,” she’ll huff.

Often I’ll hug her — but this is the moment that’s a big deal for both of us. It’s when I’ll make sure I have her full attention, and I do all I can to make sure she feels the love and concern in my words and countenance.

“I know, sweetheart. Daddy doesn’t want to spank you either. It makes daddy sad to spank you. So I want you to not scream.”

“Okay.”

“Because if you scream again, daddy will spank you. Alright?”

“Alright,” she sniffs.

Then I’ll pull her in, give her a big hug and kiss and add, “So I want you to try really hard to remember, okay?”

Nodding, “Okay.”

Then off she goes.

Most of the time, that’s the last I’ll hear for hours on end, unless she gets teased by her brother. That’s another story/situation. However, on these occasions when she goes right back to screaming, I’ll either call her back, or she gets brought back to me. Usually kicking and screaming along the way.

Once she sees me, she’ll stop screaming.

“Ruby,” I’ll say softly and motion for her to come to me. “Did daddy talk to you about screaming?”

Nodding, “Yes.”

“And did you scream again?”

Most of the time she says yes, but once in a while, when she knows she’s in trouble, she’ll shake her head. 

“Ruby, daddy said that if you scream again, you would need to be spanked.”

Crying, “But I don’t want spanked.”

Now its me who gets watery eyes. “And daddy doesn’t want to spank you, but you screamed again, so now I have to.”

What follows is a spank just firm enough to make an impression on her emotions, but not her backside (hope that makes sense). Ruby will cry, and I’ll hold her in my arms and rub her back, telling her I love her…and then comes the key. I’ll make sure we are looking at each other, and then explain:

“It hurts daddy to see you cry, Ruby, because I love you. So please don’t scream again, because I don’t WANT to spank you. But I will, if you choose to scream again, okay?”

“Okay,” she will usually reply, or nod.

Over 90% of the time, that’s the last I’ll have issues with her for the day. It’s not all the time, but the moods in the life of a two year old fluctuate. As parents, we are in this for the long haul if we want the lasting results.

The WHY

I choose to be consistent, because my WHY tells me that I want children that have both trust and confidence in me. For them to have trust and confidence in me, they must be able to count on my consistency. They can be mad at me, they can disagree with me, but my children can, for the most part, tell you how I will react or act in almost any given situation.

Because I am consistent.

Funny thing — I bumped into one of my religious leaders a while back, and I stopped him in the church hallway. There had been a rumor going around about me and my conduct, but I couldn’t find out where it came from.

The man shook his head and laughed. “Don’t worry about it, Jaime. No one who knows you has listened to the lies. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about you over the last 25 years, is you’re consistent.”

I smiled.

That was nice to know.

The HOW

I know I used a punishment as an example for consistency, but it’s not limited to this. You need to be consistent in whatever your goals are with your children.

• Do you make sure they’re homework is completed—if that’s what’s important to you?

• Are the dishes done in a timely manner? Or some other chore you’ve instructed your child to do?

• Do they hang the towels up in the bathroom, or pick up their clothes from the floor?

• Do they share their toys, like I strive to teach Ruby?

In the most simple of terms, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

It really is that simple. It’s just not easy. You’ll be tempted to make exceptions. To play favorites.

Don’t.

Your integrity will always hang in the balance, and the cost of compromise isn’t worth the long-term damage you’ll do to yourself and others.

Conclusion

There’s something I’d like to say in closing, because it’s one of my core beliefs as a parent:

Never discipline a child in anger. Ever.

It is never the right course to take, and I promise you that you will damage your relationship with your child. That goes triple if you’re issuing anything physical, like a spanking, especially to a little child. 

No exceptions.

Yes, you can be upset, you can and probably will be disappointed at times, but when you are dishing out a punishment you should be calm, direct, and focused. Usher out only enough to do the job it’s meant to do. If you can’t do this with a genuine smile, a soft, kind voice and a gentle hand, walk away. Get yourself in a good, loving place before addressing your child.

Discipline should be about the child, not you.

Anything more than this, and I promise you’ll regret it.

What To Do Next

Because consistency is so important, I suggest you take twenty minutes and ponder on your own patterns as a parent. Write down the process you have and study it.

• Are there improvements you can make?

• Are there ways to make this more personal between you and your child, so it sticks?

Try and list three things you can do to improve your consistency. Just three—and work on those. When you master that, find three more.

You’ve got this.

QUESTION: What is your biggest struggle in being consistent with your children?

NEXT TIME: Create Meaning In What You Do

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kidCLANS subscriptions are 100% free, including our archives. This is made possible by generous individuals purchasing paid memberships for $5/mo. If you enjoy this material, consider telling someone you know about kidCLANS.

We rely on word-of-mouth to grow. Use the share button below to spread the word. =)

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