How Four Words Changed My Marriage
How Four Words Changed My Marriage
No, it’s not "I Want A Divorce",...duh.
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These are the kinds of articles I like to write.
It’s on my favorite subject to discuss.
My wife.
When you meet both of us, you quickly realize that if you want the absolute truth, you talk to my wife. If you want to hear a fun story, then you talk to me.
Convenient, this is my blog, my substack, which means you want a good story.
Coolio.
The other awesome reality about writing my own articles is that my wife is completely uninterested in what I have to say here. She doesn’t like the Internet; she doesn’t like social media, and she never reads my blog. If she hears about this, it’s going to be because one of my kids squeals on me.
Don’t say a word, Asia.
Plus, I have the assurance that she has absolutely no idea how to stop me. That being said, let me make a few statements about my wife, since she is not here.
Without a doubt, my wife is the most wonderful human being I have ever known.
I would also like to say for the record, that she is the most impressive person I have ever known. We will argue about this, because apparently I don’t know how to convey this properly or clear enough. My compliments are awkward, so it sounds more like teasing, but that’s not what I mean!
Frankly, I wish she would just try to hear the intent behind those inaccurate words I use. Which leads to my third, and probably most important, point…
This gigantic teddy bear of a man, absolutely, positively, adores his wife.
She is my sunshine, my rain, my thunderstorm (and it’s very convenient that I love thunderstorms - listening to white sounds of distant thunderstorms as I write this), and her laugh?
It’s my very favorite sound in life.
So why did I bring all this up?
It’s because I love sharing the things that are important in my marriage. The things that I discover, usually my accident, that improve my relationship, that help me be a better person, a better man, a better husband.
The Words We Use Are Important
There’s a conversation I’ve had with dozens of people over the last year concerning communication between men and women. You don’t have to agree with me, but you need to understand where I’m coming from.
One of the challenging things between our species, and I’m talking about men and women is, how we use words. I didn’t come up with this — it came from a book recommended to me by a dear friend.
It’s called “In Sync With The Opposite Sex” by Alison A. Armstrong.
Guys, if you’ve never heard of Alison, I cannot recommend her works enough. Alison's works provide a better understanding of the world around you, the female species, and how they are viewed and misunderstood. She is probably the biggest fan of men, and she works tirelessly to help the sexes understand one another. Here’s an example:
Men mean what they say. It’s part of our species.
On the other side, women rarely mean what they say.
Any man reading this knows, if you have a spouse or a girlfriend, we usually have to go fishing for the facts of the matter. You ask if something’s wrong, she says “nothing.” So what do we do?
We believe them.
Then a short time later, our loved one shows up, pissed off, disappointed, hurt, feeling misunderstood.
Why?
We believed you. You said “nothing” and so we went about our day, believing that it was, in fact, nothing. But the fact is, you didn’t mean what you said.
Which is why women rarely believe men when we say what we do.
It’s kind of sad.
My one, and only point here, is that the words we use matter.
So when you find specific words that can improve your relationship with your loved ones, shouldn’t we consider using them?
How adding one word changes everything
In my home, and in my family, we are very loving. We don’t have a problem expressing ourselves or hugging or saying “I love you”.
Whenever I say that to my wife, which is at least once a day, she replies “I love you too.” It’s the natural response. It let me know how she feels, or so I thought. It’s a suitable response. I’d rather hear that than nothing at all.
But it was missing something.
That phrase becomes automatic over time. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction when someone says “I love you”. After a while, it loses its magic. That’s when my wife showed that amazing side of her personality. A side that still, to this day, makes the butterflies in my stomach go muka-muka-wow-wow.
It’s a good thing, trust me.
I’d come home from a meeting, which had gone superb. I walk through the front door; I slip off my shoes; I hang up my coat, and I look for my wife. She’s in the sewing room, working on a project. Like any other evening, I lean forward, give her a kiss and say, “I love you.”
“I love you back.”
That’s how she replied!
I don’t know how to explain it, but I got chills when she said that. Looking down at her, my mouth kind of dropped open, not sure what to say. This big smile crawled across my face as my heart just…melted.
I loved it.
Just by adding one word, or I should say, changing one word, my wife transformed the meaning of our love language permanently.
Now that’s all I say in reply.
Anyone who says “I love you” I will reply “I love you back”.
Maybe I’m crazy, but can you feel the difference?
Seriously, say it to yourself out loud. Say it a few times. Or better yet, the next time someone tells you they love you, say “I love you back.”
Do it with a smile so soft and genuine, your eyes sparkle.
Maybe this is all just silliness, but it works for our marriage.
That’s why I wanted to share it with you.
Just…something to make your life a bit better.
Because you matter.
Paid subscribers can comment, access the entire archive of this site, along with other stories, cartoons, exclusive podcast, and every article I’ve ever written. If you aren’t a paid subscriber, you can access the archive for free with a 7-day trial OR earn a paid membership by joining the referral program!
If you enjoy our content, but don’t want to become a member, consider buying us a coffee to keep us going! Thanks so much!
BONUS: 25 arts and crafts activity ideas for families!
Here’s 25 MORE ideas for your summer fun! If you’d like the full list — including both low to no cost options and variations for special needs children, consider supporting kidCLANS by purchasing “Summer Survival Guide: 975 Ways to Keep the Kids Busy.” It’s only $5…and you’ll save 50 times that using our ideas over the summer =)
1. Collage Making: Create collages using old magazines, newspapers, and various materials. Cut out images, shapes, and colors to arrange and glue onto a poster board or canvas.
2. Tie-Dyeing: Transform plain white shirts, socks, or other fabric items into vibrant masterpieces with tie-dye techniques. Use different colors and patterns to create unique designs.
3. Nature Prints: Collect leaves, flowers, and other natural objects. Dip them in paint and press them onto paper or fabric to create beautiful nature-inspired prints.
4. Paper Mache: Tear newspaper into strips and create a paste using water and flour. Dip the strips into the paste and layer them over a balloon or mold to make sculptures or masks.
5. Friendship Bracelets: Learn different bracelet-making techniques using colorful threads, beads, or embroidery floss. Create personalized bracelets to exchange with family members or friends.
6. Origami: Explore the ancient art of paper folding. Use origami paper or any square piece of paper to create various animals, flowers, and geometric shapes.
7. DIY Painted Rocks: Collect smooth rocks and paint them with acrylic paints or markers. Create designs, patterns, or even little creatures to decorate your garden or use as paperweights.
8. Recycled Art: Use recycled materials like cardboard, bottle caps, or plastic bottles to create unique sculptures, masks, or collages. Encourage creativity while promoting sustainability.
9. Clay Modeling: Use air-dry clay or playdough to sculpt shapes, animals, or objects. Let the creations air dry or bake them in the oven to preserve them.
10. Paper Quilling: Roll and shape colorful strips of paper to create intricate designs. Use the quilled paper to make cards, wall art, or jewelry.
11. Suncatchers: Cut out shapes from colorful tissue paper or cellophane. Glue them onto contact paper or a plastic sheet, and hang them near windows to catch the sunlight.
12. Popsicle Stick Crafts: Build structures, puppets, or picture frames using popsicle sticks. Paint or decorate them with markers, glitter, or other craft materials.
13. Fabric Painting: Use fabric paints or markers to decorate plain t-shirts, tote bags, or pillowcases. Design custom wearable art or functional items.
14. Handprint Art: Trace and cut out family members' handprints on colorful paper. Arrange them in a collage or use them to create animals, flowers, or other imaginative artwork.
15. Mosaic Art: Cut out small pieces of colored paper, tile, or glass. Glue them onto a surface, such as a wooden board or a flowerpot, to create mosaic patterns or pictures.
16. Card Making: Design and create personalized greeting cards for special occasions. Use various materials like colored paper, ribbons, stickers, and markers to add a personal touch.
17. String Art: Hammer nails into a wooden board in a specific pattern or shape. Wrap colorful string around the nails to create geometric designs or silhouettes.
18. Paper Lanterns: Fold and decorate paper to make lanterns. Insert a small LED light or candle inside to create a warm and inviting glow.
19. Bead Jewelry: String colorful beads onto elastic cord or wire to make bracelets, necklaces, or keychains. Experiment with different bead shapes, sizes, and colors.
20. Mask Making: Use paper plates, cardboard, or craft foam to create masks. Paint, decorate, and add embellishments to bring your masks to life.
21. Paper Bag Puppets: Decorate paper bags with markers, googly eyes, and yarn to create puppets. Use them for imaginative play or to put on puppet shows.
22. Paper Lantern Fish: Cut out fish shapes from colorful paper or cardstock. Attach a string or thread to create a school of hanging fish lanterns.
23. Paper Chains: Cut strips of colored paper and create interlocking loops to make paper chains. Hang them as decorations for parties or celebrations.
24. Yarn Crafts: Use yarn to make pom-poms, tassels, or woven wall hangings. Explore different techniques and create textured and colorful crafts.
25. Button Art: Arrange and glue colorful buttons onto a canvas or cardboard to create vibrant button art. Experiment with different shapes and sizes to make unique designs.
I realized a long while ago that in my own marriage I don’t want “I love you” to become so automatic that we stop taking a second to actually feel that abiding love in our hearts for our spouse. My husband is not a man of many words when it comes to expressing feelings. But I am. So I take the time to tell him in different ways or I just say his name and wait for him to look at me so that he can witness all the love I have for him plain as day in my facial expression as I say “I love you”. He doesn’t reciprocate in the way I do. His wording is as it ever was. But it’s changed things for me, and I can see that he feels the intent when I am, in fact, intentional, with those words.
Yeah, the more I grow and learn myself, the less I want to change my husband, exchanging that for loving him as he is. Usually conflict or distance can be improved simply by a change of heart on my end. The idea that marriage is 50/50 is bogus to me. ;P It’s giving 110% of my effort 100% of the time without keeping a score board to make sure he’s doing “his part” or his “fair share”. That mindset just angers and disappoints us both. But giving all you can, whenever you can, JUST BECAUSE you can, out of love, and accepting what they give for face value, seems to keep me and my husband both in a fairly fulfilled position as we experience life together. We grow, learn, communicate, and try to be free with forgiveness. No score boards.